


Try and Try Again

by evelyn_rose4



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Fluff, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Pining, Swearing, lots of pining, mainly on shoma's behalf
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-09 23:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20125705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evelyn_rose4/pseuds/evelyn_rose4
Summary: The five times Shoma tells Yuzuru he loves him and the one time Yuzuru says it back.(a.k.a. Shoma pining for 4 years straight)





	1. 1. Japan Nationals (2014)

**Author's Note:**

> im completely useless and i've had this written for a very long time and edited for a few days and i just completely forgot to process it because in the summer my brain depletes to about 3 braincells.   
ANYWAY it is finished and all 6 chapters of this are written so i'm going to post one every day for the next 6 days (shout at me in the comments if i don't because i'll have probably forgotten)   
this is my first time writing yuzusho and it's been a fun time!   
enjoy x

Shoma Uno felt like he had been dragged through a tornado. From placing 7th last year to 2nd this year, everyone was suddenly starting to notice the small man who was one place away from the top of the national podium. 

He may have been over 30 points away from the leader, but he had solidified his place as the top Japanese junior man, and he had to be proud of that. He knew there was still work needed to do before the Junior World Championships but for now, he let himself be swept up in the glory. 

As he stood on the podium, he couldn’t help but look to his left and see the gold medal winner. Yuzuru Hanyu, who was somewhat of an idol to him. Shoma couldn’t believe what he’d achieved despite only being 20 years old - an Olympic title, a World title, multiple national titles - he was incredible. 

Shoma didn’t tend to keep up much with the figure skating news and gossip but it was hard to miss the tumultuous early season that Yuzuru had had. The crash at Cup of China had left him shaky but the win at Grand Prix Final restored his confidence. 

After the victory ceremony, once they were away from the prying eyes of the media, Shoma approached Yuzuru. He hobbled towards the elder with his skates still on so he could sit beside him on the bench where the other was removing his boots. 

“Congratulations on the win again, you skated very well,” Shoma mumbled, however, his words weren’t completely heard by Yuzuru who looked up in confusion. 

“Sorry, you spoke too quietly!” Shoma blushed in embarrassment before repeating his sentiment. “Thank you! Shoma isn’t it?” 

This wasn’t the first time that the two boys had met, far from it but it was the first time that they had met in a senior competition. That for Yuzuru was significant as it meant that the younger was nearly old enough to become someone he may have to watch out for regarding titles and medals. 

Shoma looked at Yuzuru in the eyes and for a minute tried to understand his senior. The pressure that he must be under to win every time he stepped out onto the. Even if Shoma was following him for the rest of his skating career, he wouldn’t mind as it meant he wouldn’t have to face pressure to that extent. 

“I just want to say I love your skating; I admire you a lot,” Shoma said, mustering all the confidence that he could. Yuzuru looked down fondly and ruffled the other’s head. 

“Thank you very much, I hope to see you rivalling me more when you come up to seniors! I’m quite scared!” Yuzuru joked around before standing up with his skates and leaving to chat with his coach about the competition. 

This was the first time that Shoma Uno told Yuzuru Hanyu that he loved him (in one way or another) and both of them thought that it would be the last time.


	2. Grand Prix Final 2015

Barcelona was a wonderful city, Shoma had been told. He hadn’t had the chance to go out and explore it for himself, the competition had been too busy.   
  
After winning his Junior World title, the goal was to win a medal on the Grand Prix circuit not to make the final and win a medal there as well, so it was safe to say that 18-year-old Shoma was in shock. The competition had been a whirlwind of high scores and high emotions.   
  
Shoma had watched from backstage how Yuzuru had burst into tears when he had received his score and it made his heart pound peculiarly. Ever since their interaction at Nationals the year before, every time Shoma thought of Yuzuru he had developed a fluttery feeling in his stomach.   
  
Shoma was not a fan of labels, but if he were, he would have placed the label of a ‘crush’ onto Yuzuru and then a big question mark onto himself. In Japan, sexuality wasn’t addressed, he had never begun to think that he was anything but straight until he had had a conversation with Yuzuru. Shoma ignored all these thoughts and just focused on how Yuzuru made him feel safe.   
  
Therefore, once he received a text message from the said crush, inviting him over to play video games and eat snacks in his room, he jumped at the opportunity. Arms laden with snacks he had brought from home in case he didn’t like the food in Barcelona and a video game of his choice, Shoma knocked on Yuzuru’s hotel room door.   
  
“Shoma! Come in!” Yuzuru’s voice sounded cheery when he greeted the younger, but someone who had broken 3 world records that week would sound cheery.   
  
“Thank you for inviting me here,” Shoma replied, bowing to show his gratitude towards his senior. Yuzuru brushed his bow off with a laugh.   
  
“Don’t act too polite, we’re friends! It’s nice to have someone from the same country on the podium with me at international events now everyone else seems to be retiring!”   
  
Shoma followed Yuzuru to the elder’s bed where an array of snacks was already presented, prompting him to add his to the pile.   
  
“It’s good that we don’t have to compete anymore with all these snacks we’ll eat, you brought all the Japanese ones I like as well,” Yuzuru laughed.   
  
“Where did you get yours from? Are they Spanish or Canadian?” Shoma questioned once he realised that he didn’t have a clue what the language was on any of the packets. All he knew that is that Spanish and English were not Japanese so couldn’t even begin to tell the two apart.   
  
“They’re Spanish, Javi got me some so I could try some of the food that he loves but I don’t know if we’ll like them. Spanish food is very different to Japanese food,” Yuzuru mused as he pushed all the various wrappers aside to make room for them both to make themselves comfy on top of the bed.   
  
Shoma was curious as to whether he would enjoy any of these Spanish snacks. He opened a packet of what seemed to be some sort of cookie and hesitantly tried one whilst Yuzuru set up the console.   
  
“It’s nothing special,” Was the thought that Shoma shared after finishing a cookie. “I’m not sure why Javi would tell you to try it. I prefer Japanese snacks.”  
  
“You’re so cute, of course, you would prefer Japanese snacks,” Yuzuru laughed whilst ruffling Shoma’s hair.   
  
This small action and that 4-letter word caused the sleeping butterflies in Shoma’s stomach to go into overdrive. He had to look very busy with a packet of a snack from his home country whilst trying to control the blush that was threatening to erupt all over his cheeks.   
  
Luckily, Yuzuru had finished setting up the game so they started to play. They were both naturally competitive people so there were a few harsh words thrown about but whenever that happened Yuzuru gave Shoma a fond smile to remind him that nothing was serious.   
  
Throughout the games that they played, Shoma was weighing up the pros and cons of confessing his feelings to Yuzuru. There was the obvious possibility that he could be rejected, but it wasn’t as if they saw each other every day, more like a few times a year. Also, he was running off the adrenaline of a bronze medal at his first Grand Prix Final, so even if he was rejected, it was still a very good day. However, this did mean admitting that he wasn’t straight and there was the underlying fear that Yuzuru would be disgusted in him. But Shoma wasn’t one to let the patriarchy stop him.   
  
Once they had given up on playing their games, the frustration at not being able to pass a level getting a little bit too much, they flopped on the bed. They talked a mile a minute about topics that they were both passionate about and the competition that had passed. Shoma noticed that Yuzuru avoided talking too much about his skating in the future, after all, they were still rivals.   
  
After the conversation had dulled down, they were sat in comfortable silence, sharing snacks and Shoma turned to Yuzuru and took a deep breath.   
  
“Yuzuru, can I tell you something?” Shoma turned to face the other, the nerves overwhelming a little.   
  
“Firstly, call me Yuzu, everyone else does and of course!” Yuzuru said, looking Shoma in the eyes.   
  
“I think I like you like as in romantically. I love your skating and I think loving that part of you has let me think about what other parts of you I could love too. I know I’m too young to have feelings like this but please just don’t hate me because I like a boy,” Shoma let out, all in one breath. He diverted his eyes down to a particularly interesting crease on the duvet to avoid looking at Yuzuru.   
  
Shoma had never been so aware of his heart beating before, knowing that he had just admitted to another person that he wasn’t what he was assumed to be.   
  
“Shoma look at me,” Yuzuru’s tone was comforting and not at all disgusted so Shoma lifted his head to see a wide and proud smile adoring Yuzuru’s lips. “I’m honestly flattered and so proud of you. The courage you have to admit that to someone you don’t know that well is amazing and I’m so glad that you don’t feel ashamed because you shouldn’t be. I know as well as you do that people like us can’t be who we are in public so all we can do is be who we are in private.”   
  
Halfway through Yuzuru’s speech, Shoma had begun to cry. He didn’t even realise it until Yuzuru had pulled him into a hug.   
  
“You’re a bit too young for me, I hadn’t ever thought of you that way. Shoma you’re not an adult yet it would be inappropriate. But regardless, I’m your friend, you have me to talk to about anything and even if I’m the only person who knows. I’m so proud of you.”   
  
Even though the person he liked didn’t return his feelings, at that moment it didn’t matter to Shoma. He felt accepted and that was forever more important than anything.


	3. Grand Prix Final 2016

  
A year later, not a lot had changed.   
  
Yuzuru was still on the top of the podium, Shoma was still on his left in the bronze medal position. The only different aspect was that the silver medallist had switched from a Spaniard to an American. This was Shoma’s second year as a senior skater and the eyes on him had increased tenfold.   
  
He tried to ignore that though. Instead, he focused on his feelings, the feelings that were also constant.   
  
After Yuzuru’s rejection last year, Shoma had tried so hard to ignore the adoration he had towards Yuzuru. However, they had begun to text and share jokes and thoughts in between their shared competitions and that had evolved into long video calls at odd times due to their opposite time zones. The more Shoma got to know the different sides to Yuzuru, the more he began to love all of them.   
  
Shoma was another year older and another year wiser so the small crush he had for Yuzuru had developed into a full-blown infatuation. Every time they talked his heart pounded out of his chest and he knew that these feelings were not going to go away.   
  
He didn’t have anyone to ask for advice because apart from Yuzuru, nobody knew of his sexuality. Yuzuru on the other hand, with Shoma’s help, had come out to his family and coaching team. This was the hardest thing to watch the person you could be in love with, risk being rejected from their family. Yuzuru had spent 3 hours on the phone to Shoma before talking to his family and all he had done was cry and express his fears that they would never speak to him again. Luckily, they had been extremely supportive and when Yuzuru told him, he felt so much love in his heart that Yuzuru was happy.   
  
Shoma knew he had to tell Yuzuru that he was in love with him, he couldn’t keep these feelings in for much longer. There was also the slight glimmer of hope that this year, his feelings would be reciprocated. After all, he knew he was exactly Yuzuru’s type – Japanese and a figure skater.   
  
So, during their post-competition snack and game night (which had become a tradition when they were at the same competition), Shoma was once again going to confess his love for Yuzuru. This time he was scared though, not because he thought Yuzuru would be disgusted in him but because he was terrified it would blow up in his face and he would lose a friend too. The only hope Shoma had was that this friendship was also too important to Yuzuru so even if his feelings weren’t reciprocated, they could still be friends.   
  
All through their rounds of video games, Yuzuru could tell that something was up with Shoma. He couldn’t seem to get comfortable and kept fidgeting and changing positions on the bed.   
  
“Is everything alright? It seems like something is bothering you?” Yuzuru mentioned when they had gotten bored of games and were sat talking about anything and everything instead.   
  
“Actually, I need to tell you something,” Shoma decided that this was a better time as any. “Please hear me out before you say anything though?”   
  
How could Yuzuru disagree with those eyes? He turned to face Shoma and nodded, giving the younger his full attention.  
  
“I know last year I told you that I had a crush on you, and it ended up with you stopping me from having some kind of gay panic. I know you didn’t think those feelings were serious and believe me, neither did I. They were though,” Shoma’s breath hitched, he had never been as scared as he was at that moment. “I’ve tried so hard not to fall in love with you, but I can’t do it. You understand me like nobody else does, not my coach or my parents or my brother. I feel so comfortable around you and I know that it’s not friendship. I’m not stupid. I love you and I just want you to know that.”  
  
Halfway through his speech, Shoma had closed his eyes. Too scared to look at what emotion Yuzuru would be showing.   
  
“Sorry, what? You love me?” Shoma opened his eyes to see a very flustered Yuzuru.   
  
“Yes,” Shoma all but whispered, confused as to what Yuzuru’s reaction was.   
  
“You can’t ‘love’ me, you’re too young to fall in love?”   
  
Shoma’s world stopped. He felt like a bucket of icy cold water had been poured over him. This was it, Yuzuru didn’t love him back. He’d lost him.   
  
“No, I’m not, I’m not a child anymore,” Shoma argued. If he wasn’t going to get a boyfriend out of this, he could at least defend his feelings.   
  
“You’re too young to be in love with someone you’re not dating. How do I know this isn’t some elaborate competition strategy? Pretend to be in love with me so you can throw me off for Nationals and steal my title?” Yuzuru was getting more frustrated with each sentence that came out of Shoma’s mouth.   
  
“Oh, you really don’t know me at all if you think I would ever use something as serious as my feelings for you as a way to put you off!” Shoma was not only embarrassed at this point but humiliated too.   
  
“I’m just your senior, your friend, someone you look at for advice. You know nothing about me if you think I’d date this close to the Olympics?” Yuzuru fired back.   
  
“I’m sorry for being honest with you! Even if you rejected me, I didn’t think you were that cold to not be my friend as well!” Shoma stood up and got off the bed that they were sprawled all over previously. “Also, to accuse me of throwing you off your game, that’s low and you know it is. You know that I support you and always want you to do your best and I know better than anyone that I can’t get anywhere near you at your best. Fuck you, Yuzuru.”   
  
With that closing statement, Shoma gathered his belongings and stormed out, slamming the door as he left. He barely made it to his room before he let out a huge sob and broke down crying.   
  
Not only had he been rejected by the boy he was in love with, he regretted ever loving him in the first place


	4. 4. World Team Trophy 2017

It had been a whirlwind of a season for Yuzuru, from the disappointment of not being able to capture a Four Continents title – again – to win the world title with the redemptive skate of his career, he hadn’t had time to catch his breath.   
  
At the final competition of the season, Yuzuru had slightly let himself go after the short program but once he regained his competitive senses and put out a fairly decent free skate, he was finally ready to end the season. However, there was one thing he needed to sort out before he could go back to Toronto to prepare for the Olympic season.   
  
After the Grand Prix final, he couldn’t stop thinking about Shoma. More specifically what Shoma had said to him before they argued. He felt terrible about how he had reacted, but it was so out of the blue that Shoma had been in love with him that he hadn’t thought about what he said before the words passed through his lips. Of course, Shoma was not using something like that as a way to slip in front of him in competition.   
  
Yuzuru had apologised to Shoma for what he said the morning after the argument and Shoma had accepted but things weren’t the same. They didn’t text as much as they had done previously and their interactions at competitions albeit friendly were more awkward than both of them were used to. Yuzuru hated it.   
  
He knew he had messed up and Shoma was a saint for even forgiving him and be willing to move on and still be able to look Yuzuru in the eye. Shoma was much more of an adult than he was despite being 3 years younger and Yuzuru felt embarrassed about that.   
  
The truth was, Yuzuru may have had a small crush on Shoma, he just hadn’t thought about it before Shoma had confessed he was in love with him. No matter what, Yuzuru couldn’t be in a relationship as much as he may have wanted to, but he needed to tell Shoma that was the reason why they couldn’t be together.   
  
It took until the banquet for Yuzuru to gain the confidence he needed to pull Shoma aside and for the two to go on a long walk around the venue to air their feelings out.   
  
“What’s this about Yuzu? I’m tired,” Shoma complained after two minutes of awkward small talk. Shoma knew that if this was all Yuzuru wanted they wouldn’t have had to make sure they were in private.   
  
Yuzuru took a deep breath. “I know I’ve told you before but I’m sorry for how I reacted when you told me about your feelings,” He hung his head in shame.   
  
“I’ve told you before that it’s alright and we can move on from it,” Shoma said softly, looking Yuzuru in the eyes. “What is this really about?”   
  
“Do you still love me?” Yuzuru asked a little too quickly, clearly startling Shoma who broke their eye contact.   
  
“Yes, I wish I didn’t though,” Shoma muttered, barely loud enough to be heard.   
  
“I didn’t ask to embarrass you or start another argument, please don’t think like that,’ Yuzuru reassured. “I only asked because I think I may have developed a small crush on you, but I didn’t realise I had until you confessed to me.”   
  
This took Shoma aback. Yuzuru had had a crush on him this entire time? He had a funny way of showing it.  
  
“Especially this season watching your skating grow and you come out of your shell, it all made me realise that maybe I do like you more than I thought I ever could,” Yuzuru was now the one to break the eye contact, suddenly embarrassed.   
  
“Why didn’t you say anything before now?” Shoma questioned, still a little confused.   
  
“I don’t know to be honest. I didn’t think we were friends again, I thought we were just going to be teammates or whatever,” Yuzuru said which caused Shoma to scoff.  
  
“We’re always going to be friends, you idiot,” Shoma giggled.   
  
“Good, because I don’t ever want to lose you as a friend,” Yuzuru smiled, the pair smiling at each other.   
  
“Where does this leave us though? If we both have feelings towards each other...?” Shoma asked, hoping for the best.   
  
“I can’t be in a relationship and I feel so bad about that. Especially with the Olympics coming up, I don’t want to hurt you when I inevitably get bad at replying and am more frustrated when a practice hasn’t gone well or whatever. I wouldn’t be a very good boyfriend and you deserve better than that. I also don’t want you to wait for me, I don’t see myself liking anyone else, I don’t meet new people very often but it’s unfair to expect you to wait for me when I don’t know when I’ll be ready.”  
  
Shoma’s heart suddenly felt so much more love for the boy in front of him. He wasn’t a bad person; he was just bad at feelings. He reached out to grab Yuzuru’s hand.   
  
“Thank you, I understand that. I don’t know if I’ll meet anyone else either but if we’re meant to be together then we will and if we’re not then we won’t. If I’m honest, I think dating my teammate and someone that I want to take an Olympic gold off next season might throw me off my game too. Plus, I do have a habit of forgetting to reply to texts and I think you’d get frustrated with that,” Shoma giggled and so did Yuzuru before squeezing the other’s hand.   
  
“Friends though? I think that might be easier for the both of us to manage,” Yuzuru said, starting to play with Shoma’s smaller fingers.   
  
“Of course. I’m not being awkward with you again. It’s too exhausting.”  
  
Both of them giggled before sharing a small hug and wandering back to the banquet to join everyone else.   
  
There was no doubt that Shoma still wished that they could be more than friends and that he wouldn’t get over his feelings easily. However, it was better than nothing.


	5. 5. The Olympics 2018

The Olympics was the most exhausting competition Shoma had ever participated in. He competed in both the team event and the singles event and between each segment there was a million and one interviews and practices so after the silver medal had been hung around his neck, all he wanted to do was sleep for a million years.   
  
That didn’t happen though. Turned out being second place at the biggest competition of 4 years resulted in a lot more interviews and a lot more ceremonies than Shoma thought was necessary. He didn’t understand why there had to be two victory ceremonies, he thought that the plush mascot he had received was the modern way of giving out medals.   
  
It was nice though, to be around Yuzuru more. They hadn’t seen each other since summer ice shows because of Yuzuru’s injury and hadn’t spoken properly in over a month because both their training schedules got too intense. After the competition had been completed and the medals had been won, they had eaten a McDonalds together.   
  
“It’s been so long since I’ve eaten junk food, this tastes so good,” Yuzuru moaned as he swallowed a chicken nugget.   
  
“You class so much as junk food though, my entire diet to you is junk food,” Shoma pointed out with a laugh, nibbling his fries.   
  
“Very good point, I have no idea how you manage to maintain a good body without eating vegetables,” Yuzuru mused. “Do you want to have a game and snack night to celebrate winning Olympic medals?”   
  
“It’s how we celebrate winning every medal,” Shoma pointed out. “But, sure. I’ll kick Keiji out of my room and you can come to me.”  
  
“Sounds like a good plan, I’ll go and have a shower now, let me know when you’ve forced Keiji elsewhere.”   
  
Shoma nodded in agreement and Yuzuru went off to clean himself off after a long day of being a two-time Olympic champion.   
  
Normally, the showers Yuzuru took were fairly short and efficient however today he had a lot on his mind. The whole Olympic experience this year had been overwhelming and completely different from how he had expected it to go. He wanted to gradually get better in the season, regain his national title and continue his winning streak at the Grand Prix Final before being ready to beat everyone at the Olympics with world record scores.   
  
Instead, in November he wasn’t even sure that he’d be able to compete at the Olympics never mind win the damn thing. Soon, instead of aiming towards world record scores he was just aiming to be enough to win. Even if it was a win by less than a point, it was still a win.   
  
Whilst he had been out of competition, he had kept a close eye on who he considered were his main rivals. That list included Shoma, Nathan and Javier along with others. Javier hadn’t been difficult to keep an eye on because of their shared training base and Shoma and Nathan competed a lot with more social media presence. Watching Shoma be so close to winning the final and Four Continents scared him as he didn’t want a silver medal to affect their friendship.   
  
His and Shoma’s friendship had kept him going through one of the darkest periods of his life. At times there had been a strain, but Shoma had been a real pillar of support when he wasn’t sure if his biggest dream in life would ever be completed.   
  
During this very long and thoughtful shower, Yuzuru also realised it was time to be selfish. If his injury had taught him anything, it was that life shouldn’t revolve around skating because when he didn’t have skating anymore, life was extremely empty. All he had for entertainment was his friendship with Shoma and he regretted every day that it was only friendship and nothing more.   
  
He wanted Shoma. He wanted to be selfish and allow himself to fall in love and be happy with someone so special to him. Now he’d succeeded in one of his longest dreams, he could finally allow himself to have one of his other ones completed.   
  
All of this was boldly assuming that Shoma wasn’t with someone else or hadn’t moved on and if either of those were false assumptions then Yuzuru would respect that and move on. He was grateful that Shoma was still friends with him after he had been a dick to him a few years ago and that was enough.   
  
He finally stepped out of the shower and got dressed. He thought about trying to dress a little fancier than usual, but he knew that Shoma would just laugh at him if he turned up in anything but sweats and a hoodie. He did make more effort than usual with his hair and scent though.   
  
He sent Shoma a quick message to check he hadn’t fallen asleep and when he got a confirmatory reply, he made the quick journey down the hall to his and Keiji’s room. The plan wasn’t to bombard Shoma with a confession right away, instead, wait until their gaming cooled off and they were just chatting, and he could slip it into the conversation.   
  
He took a deep breath as he knocked on Shoma’s door. The breath he had taken was swept away from him as he saw that Shoma had answered wearing nothing more than a towel, with wet hair. If he had any doubt that he was physically attracted to Shoma before, the beating of his heart would have confirmed he was very attracted to the smaller man before him.   
  
“Come in,” Shoma invited Yuzuru in and gestured to the pile of snacks on his bed. “I got snacks; I’ll just get dressed.”  
  
“I thought you were ready?” Yuzuru joked as he cleared a space for them both to sit on the bed.   
  
“It depends what you count as ready?” Shoma came back with a wink.   
  
This led to a slightly awkward atmosphere. Yuzuru’s head spun with the question of ‘was that flirty or was that Shoma being comfortable enough with their friendship to make flirty jokes and it doesn't mean anything?’.   
  
Shoma also sensed the atmosphere and excused himself to hurriedly get changed, regretting ever commenting on that. He still had feelings for Yuzuru, and they were so deep into their friendship that flirty comments were still received very uncomfortably.   
  
“OK, so we ready to game? Maybe I’ll beat you at this?” Shoma announced as confidently as he could to diffuse the tense atmosphere.   
  
“Uno, I beat you in this competition, I can beat you on this too,” Yuzuru said with a laugh, feeling the tight feeling in his chest disappear.   
  
For the duration of their game-playing, everything was normal. They were back to swearing when the other snuck in front and using childish tactics to get ahead. They were the competitive selves they could never show in a figure skating competition.  
  
Yuzuru forgot that he was going to lay his heart on the line for Shoma, he forgot that they might lose him forever and have to develop these feelings all over again for someone new. He just enjoyed spending time with his favourite person.   
  
After they had exhausted every game option and played into the early hours of the morning, they flopped onto the bed and talked about everything and anything. They talked about Yuzuru’s ankle injury, the upcoming world championships, where they wanted to visit most in the world, their love for the Pyeongchang mascots.   
  
Yuzuru had never felt more at peace with himself, sat with his best friend who he adored after winning a competition he had dreamed about for so long. Everything may fall apart again but he could remember that at this moment, he was truly happy.   
  
Although, he was Yuzuru Hanyu and he had a habit of ruining his happiness. This was the moment he was going to tell Shoma that he wanted to move things along and he was petrified of the response.   
  
“Shoma, do you still love me?”   
  
Maybe that question was a bit blunt, but it got the point across. Shoma sat up, his back turned towards Yuzuru. Yuzuru couldn’t work out if it was going to be the answer he hoped for or not.   
  
“I think I do. Is it an issue?” Shoma quietly questioned. “Do you still like me?”   
  
Yuzuru sat up on the bed too and forced the younger to look at him. It broke his heart how scared Shoma looked, making him feel sick that the other thought he was going to be rejected again and lose his friendship.   
  
“I do still like you. It’s not an issue that you still love me. I wanted to tell you that I want to try dating you?” Yuzuru questioned, now being the one to break eye contact, suddenly shy.   
  
“Really?” Shoma choked out, genuinely shocked.   
  
“Yeah, really,” Yuzuru giggled softly. “This last season has made me realise that I need to start being selfish and building a life outside of skating because I’m lost when I can’t do that. You helped keep me so happy when I was out with my injury and I just want you to keep making me happy and I want to make you happy too. I don’t know how good I’ll be at being your boyfriend, but I want to try. I think I’ll regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t try.”   
  
Yuzuru grabbed Shoma’s hands.   
  
“I was so scared of telling you this because I didn’t want you to have moved on, I didn’t want you to have found someone else. Of course, I would have let you go, and I would be happy for you, but it would be hard. I think you’re attractive and kind and funny and caring but you’re also blunt and terrible at texting and you have a shitty diet. You’re so special and I would kick myself if I let you go because I didn’t think I could be in a relationship. I don’t want my whole life to revolve around skating if it means I can’t have you.”   
  
After Yuzuru had finished his speech and was grasping Shoma’s hands a little too tight, he finally looked Shoma in the eyes again. His heart melted when he saw Shoma had a small smile and a pink tinge to his cheeks.   
  
“I want to date you. I’m so proud of you for everything you’ve achieved this season and I’ve just wanted to cuddle you and tell you everything would be alright. I do love you after all,” The smile he got in return was enough for Shoma to mimic that same, blinding smile.   
  
“Can I kiss you? I don’t think I can stop myself, now I know that I can,” Yuzuru asked, moving one hand up to Shoma’s face.   
  
“Please do, I’ve wanted that for years.”   
  
That was all the permission that Yuzuru needed before he moved his other hand to Shoma’s neck and finally pressed his lips to his. It was slow and chaste, the pair need to discover how they would work in a more intimate sense.   
  
Shoma moved his arms to circle Yuzuru’s back and dig his nails slightly into the elder’s shirt. The kiss started to eventually get less chaste with Shoma opening his mouth slightly and grasping Yuzuru’s bottom lip between both of his. Yuzuru responded by gripping Shoma’s hair softly.   
  
This action caused a multitude of developments. The kiss moved from being chaste and innocent to becoming faster and more passionate. Shoma’s hands moved underneath Yuzuru’s shirt and his tongue slipped into his mouth. Yuzuru reacted with a gasp and gripped Shoma’s hair tighter, losing himself to the kiss.   
  
The pair ended up lying on the bed, snacks pushed to the floor. Shoma straddled Yuzuru and they kissed frantically. It was like something had snapped and now they knew what it was like to be together like this, they never wanted to be apart.   
  
It was only when Yuzuru’s hands strayed down Shoma’s back and onto his ass that Shoma realised this was probably not the best place or time for them to further this. So, he moved his lips away from Yuzuru’s who latched his to his collarbones.   
  
“Yuzu, we should stop. I don’t know when Keiji is going to be back and I can guarantee he would hate to see this,” Yuzuru’s retaliation was a bite to his neck causing Shoma to yelp.   
  
“I know, I just don’t want to let you go now,” Yuzuru commented. His childish pout made Shoma lean forwards to peck him on his swollen lips before rolling off him and leaning into his side.   
  
“You don’t have to. We can cuddle now.”  
  
Yuzuru smiled before circling his arms around Shoma and placing a feather-like kiss on his temple. He hummed in contention.   
  
“So, what are we?” Shoma asked this elicited a loud laugh out of Yuzuru.   
  
“What a cliché question. But honestly, we’re dating but I think we should take it slowly. I don’t know how often we’ll be able to see each other and it’s going to be hard with the distance and rivalry but if we don’t rush and work things out then I think it’ll work,” Yuzuru contemplated.   
  
“I’ll take it at whatever pace you need it to be. We have to work hard but I love you so I’m willing to do that,” Shoma mumbled, tracing finger patterns over Yuzuru’s chest.   
  
“I’m sorry I can’t say it back to you right now. I don’t know what it’s like to be in love and I don’t want to say it without meaning,” Yuzuru ran a hand through Shoma’s hair as an apology.   
  
“That’s OK. You need to fall in love with me how I’ve fallen in love with you. It doesn’t matter when you say it as long as you mean it,” Shoma said, moving to look Yuzuru in the eyes.  
  
“How did I get so lucky?”   
  
“I don’t know, you must have worked up some good luck points somewhere. How many old ladies have you helped cross the street?” Shoma commented.   
  
Yuzuru laughed and decided that he didn’t care about anything else in the world at that moment. He wanted Shoma, all he wanted was Shoma.   
  
“Can you text Keiji and tell him he can sleep in my room tonight?” Yuzuru questioned, slipping his hands into Shoma’s shirt.   
  
“Why?” Shoma narrowed his eyes, trying to work out his boyfriend’s intentions.   
  
“Fuck everyone else. I don’t know when I’m next going to see you and I have waited so long for this and I want to experience everything with you,” Yuzuru moved on top of Shoma, hands still wandering under his shirt.   
  
Shoma took a slight intake of breath when those hands started to tease his nipples and reached for his phone.   
  
“I’ll tell him exactly what the plan is and I can promise you he won’t interrupt,” Shoma was trying so hard to fight his moans whilst Yuzuru was nipping at his neck. He wouldn’t make marks but he would torture Shoma a little.   
  
“He better not. I don’t want any interruptions.”  
  
Shoma sent the text and threw his phone to the other end of the room. He finally got his hands on Yuzuru and they roamed everywhere, desperate to feel his body.   
  
Finally, Shoma had got the boy he wanted and he was going to enjoy every second of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i nearly forgot to post this today oops


	6. +1. World Championships 2019

World’s had been a wild ride for everybody involved. Nobody predicted how much of a different competition it would be compared to some others.   
  
For Yuzuru, he had needed to come back spectacularly again, which he didn’t want to do. When he had realised that there was this pressure on him to come back and win from another injury, the pressure got too much. With it being a homeworld championship, he had been overthinking for months and it all got too much when he had gone for that quad salchow in the short program.   
  
He knew as soon as he got into the air for that jump that the salchow was off. He was regretting not getting at least another rotation around so it would have at least been a valid element and it would have still been worth something with a fall. 3rd place wasn’t the best to be in and 13 points behind the leader was a long way back.   
  
Shoma had been in an even worse place. Not even getting on the podium for the first time since 2016 was painful for him and it was the culmination of a really difficult season and Shoma didn’t even know where he placed anymore.   
  
After the event, he gave a few short interviews to the media but when he sensed his emotions were running a little too high, he escaped. He went back to his hotel room in silence, earphones plugged in. Shoma had never felt so drained in his life, all he wanted to do was sleep.   
  
Instead of going straight to sleep, however, he took a shower. A long one.   
  
Whilst the water washed over him, he thought. He thought about why this had happened, how this happened and what would happen going forward. He knew in his heart that it was the right time to make some changes, but he didn’t know which changes he was going to make. It was all very overwhelming and there was only one person he wanted to talk to about it.   
  
Yuzuru.   
  
Part of the reason why this season had been so tumultuous was that he hadn’t had an opportunity to see Yuzuru because they hadn’t met at a competition the entire season. His heart had stopped when Yuzuru had told him that he was injured again and that he was sorry, but he already knew it was going to follow the same timescale as the previous season.   
  
Shoma felt lost at competitions where Yuzuru had withdrawn from like there was this big unmentionable presence looming over the entire event. Plus, this year he just missed his boyfriend. Apart from 3 blissful weeks when Yuzuru had visited Japan and Shoma stayed with him the entire time and they acted like a normal couple; they hadn’t seen each other since they decided to start dating.   
  
Luckily, they were both honest and headstrong people. So, whenever they disagreed on anything, no matter how little, they talked about it as soon as they could, no matter how unpleasant that was. A couple of issues of miscommunication and jealousy aside, their relationship was progressing in leaps and bounds.   
  
Now Shoma finally had the man he loved in the same city and all he wanted to do was hug him and never let him go.   
  
Unfortunately, Yuzuru had still won a medal and was still the most sought-after person at the event. This meant it would be at least an hour until he could get the cuddles he craved. Deciding to entertain himself after his shower, Shoma passed the time by having a nap.   
  
It’s easy to fall asleep and dream of the podium and the result he wanted, the result that should have happened. There he was stood on the podium with Yuzuru, the happiest he could be. It didn’t matter what place he was in, he just wanted to share it with Yuzuru.   
  
“Shoma?” A voice woke Shoma up from the dream he wished was real.   
  
Slowly, he opened his eyes to see Yuzuru’s face looking down at him. He felt a hand carding through his hair, and he leant into that touch.   
  
“Hi, when did you get here?” Shoma asked, his voice croaky.   
  
“Just now, the interviews just kept going on and all I wanted to do was come back and see you,” Yuzuru said whilst Shoma sat up and they positioned themselves on the bed. Shoma naturally leant against Yuzuru’s chest as arms were wrapped around him.   
  
“I’ve missed you so much this year,” Shoma mumbled. The emotions that had been building up all day were finally starting to come out and he could tell Yuzuru knew because the arms tightened around him. “I was supposed to win things this season, I could have won the final and I know I won Four Continents, but it didn’t feel like a win. Then I didn’t even get on the podium here, this was supposed to be the best season yet.”   
  
By the end of his rant, Shoma had started to heave out loud sobs. He clutched Yuzuru’s shirt with one hand and cried into his chest. All Yuzuru could do was hold him tight and try not to cry himself.   
  
Yuzuru knew that especially since they started dating, Shoma wanted him at competitions with him. Nobody knew how Shoma stressed other than Yuzuru and no one could calm him down other than Yuzuru. His first couple of competitions hadn’t been the best but he won them both and part of that motivation to win them both was knowing that he would meet Yuzuru at the final as an equal competitor.   
  
He wanted to challenge Yuzuru in his skating and he got a rush from competing against him like no other. However, the other side of it was Shoma just really missing his boyfriend and wanting to be around him at every possible moment. There got to a point where there was only so much comforting to be done through Facetime.   
  
It broke Yuzuru’s heart that Shoma felt that this season had been a disaster when his results showed otherwise but he understood. Yuzuru felt like a failure for not winning the title and he can’t even begin to imagine what he would feel like if he hadn’t even made bronze.   
  
“Hey, look at me,” Yuzuru cradled Shoma’s face in his hands and forced his boyfriend to look at him. “I know it seems like a disaster now, I know. But you are so much better than you think you are, and you need to trust yourself. This was a hard season, it’s the first season of a new judging system and everyone’s still getting used to it. Just don’t think like that it hurts me so much.”  
  
Shoma started sobbing anew. He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to say that he loved Yuzuru and he had said that before and Yuzuru knew that he was loved. However, he couldn’t take Yuzuru not saying it back at this moment. It still made him feel a little insecure that Yuzuru was still learning to love him and he didn’t want to rush the other, but sometimes it just felt a little unreciprocated.   
  
“I want to tell you that I love you, but I can’t cope right now with you not saying it back,” Shoma whispered, his hands stroking Yuzuru’s hips.   
  
It was this sentence that broke Yuzuru the most.   
  
One of the things that had hurt most about this season was that he hadn’t been able to tell Shoma he loved him before the last competition. He realised he was in love with Shoma over Grand-Prix season and planned on telling him when they met at the final but then the injury happened.   
  
Yuzuru didn’t want to tell Shoma he loved him over text or through Facetime because this was special. He’d never loved anyone before and wanted to make sure the person on the receiving end knew that it was real.   
  
Yuzuru was very awkward in any situation other than being with someone in person. He hated Facetiming because the internet in his house was very weak so it constantly cut out, he hated calling people because you can’t see their face and he was terrible at replying to texts. Therefore, as much as he made more of an effort with Shoma than anyone else, he still wanted to save the important moments to seeing him in person.  
  
He didn’t want it to seem like he was professing his love out of pity, but it was the right time. He stroked Shoma’s cheeks, wiping the tears away.   
  
“But I do love you.”  
  
Shoma gasped. Then he thought about why Yuzuru could be saying those precious words and frowned, moving the other hands away from his face.   
  
“I don’t believe you. You’re only saying that because I’m upset and you don’t want to make me more upset,” Shoma said.  
  
“You know I wouldn’t do that. I wanted to tell you that I love you since December, but I also wanted to do it in person. I can’t lie to you and say that I don’t love you just because you think my timing is bad. I was going to tell you regardless of how this competition went,” Yuzuru was stubborn and moved his hands back to where they were originally.   
  
“It’s just taken so long, I want to make sure it’s real before it’s real before I let myself get too excited,” Shoma mumbled, his reasoning seems to surprise himself.   
  
“I don’t know what to tell you to make you believe that I do genuinely love you, a lot. I’m going to tell you every day anyway because I do love you and I want to love you for a long time to come because we’ve had to work through so much to get to this point and you know I wouldn’t tell you if I didn’t mean it. Please trust me?”   
  
Shoma knew everything about Yuzuru. He knew when the other was hungry or tired or excited. He knew when   
training had been too much, when he was frustrated or what he looked like when he loved something.  
  
The look in Yuzuru’s eyes at that moment in time was the look of love. It was the way he looked at his mother when she brought him food when he was hungry, the way he looked at his coaching team when they praised him and the way he looked at a new pair of earphones he was gifted. Yuzuru was someone who didn’t love a lot of things but when he loved, he loved with all of his heart.   
  
Shoma would do anything for the man that was sat opposite him. He was his ultimate weakness and if he could bend over backwards to make him smile, he would. As much as his doubts were telling him that what Yuzuru was saying wasn’t real, Shoma decided to listen to what his heart told him.   
  
“I trust you. I love you,” Shoma said with a smile, finally feeling free of the feelings that had held him captured for so many years.   
  
“I love you too. I do. I couldn’t have done this season without you.”  
  
Shoma finally snuggled into his boyfriend’s chest, hearing the steady beat of the man that loved him.   
  
They stayed like that for however many minutes until Yuzuru’s leg started to go numb and his mind started to wander.   
  
“Shoma, I’m horny,” He mumbled which led to an exasperated groan coming out of his boyfriend.   
  
“Can you never just let me have a nice cuddle without your insatiable need coming out?” He looked at Yuzuru who was wearing a sheepish look.   
  
“Come on Sho, I haven’t seen you since July, I’ve missed you.”  
  
“You’ve missed sex.”  
  
“You’re not wrong. That’s part of a healthy and loving relationship.”  
  
“Fine. But we nap first? I think I’m going to need more energy than I currently have.”  
  
Yuzuru happily laid down and gathered his boyfriend in his arms. He felt happy and had the chance to forget this competition, even if it was just for a few hours.   
  
“I’ll set an alarm for half an hour from now and then we have some fun!” Yuzuru said excitedly before turning the lamp off.   
  
“Hmm. I love you,” Shoma mumbled, already half asleep.   
  
Yuzuru pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “I love you.”  
  
With that, both of them fell asleep. Finally, the love wasn’t unreciprocated.   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you SO much for reading this! i've enjoyed seeing all your comments and i hope you've enjoyed this lil thing! x


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